I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.