Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Canadian owl: Eh?

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

my first day as a raccoon

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”