I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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Everything reminds me of my ex
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…