Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This 4th of July, please remember…

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.