I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…