I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.