I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
You Might Also Like
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.