Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.