i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
i think both sides are to blame here
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”