I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married