I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*