I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.