I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
You Might Also Like
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
c’mon!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
These aren’t even hard anymore.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think