I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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Me: Guess what
Me: The opposite of Aquaman
Me: Is Landlady
Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow
It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.
Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000
boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is
Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.