I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.


Me: Guess what
Her: What
Me: The opposite of Aquaman
Her: …
Me: Is Landlady
Her: …
Me: …
Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow
Me: Ok


It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.


Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’


If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.


A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.


Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.


me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000

boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is


Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.