Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out