Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

I put the I in Insufferable.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations