I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Only Americans understand
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Math at Halloween.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank