Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

🤔😂😂

I think they could have phrased this better

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

‘Black tie only’ was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people had worn shirts and pants, too.