I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Bed should get ready for ME
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car