I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
You Might Also Like
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.