I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes