I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf