Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

The Others (2001)

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it