I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Siri, fight Alexa.
new shirt idea
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Growing up was a huge mistake
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Any refunds available?…
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
