I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Sniffing the broccoli
bought wrong eggs
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
WTF
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
some Old Testament wisdom
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”