I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When you have to use a public restroom.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.