I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
You Might Also Like
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?