I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid