I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.