Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better