I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
The symmetry is uncanny.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
