I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
per my last wtf
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
A collection of me turning into random objects.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
