I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
This classic never gets old . . .
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
