I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp