I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.