@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

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@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

@nextgaara

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@donni

Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture

@BradBroaddus

Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@jwoodham

FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I’m a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here’s 97 pictures of my baby.

@prufrockluvsong

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911