@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

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@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

@phalguy

Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@ravenswng_

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

@HatfieldAnne

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

@PeaceInTruth1

I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.

@GrumpyBahr

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.