@velvettusk
? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?
@MustardSally1
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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@velvettusk
@shutupmikeginn
Very problematic
@danblackroyd
Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.
Me: Is it good?
Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.
@EZ_G
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
@Sean_Burgundy_
My 40 yard dash time: 5.5
My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3
@jobrowneyes
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
@jake_lach
You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing
@KimmyMonte
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
@SteveSuckington
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
@KalvinMacleod
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse