@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

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@velvettusk

? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?

@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@Sean_Burgundy_

My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3

@jobrowneyes

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@SteveSuckington

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

@KalvinMacleod

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse