Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.