I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.