Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

🤣

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses