I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”