Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

me at the job i begged god for

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

“No way.” -Jose

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit