I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Yup….perfect score!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.