I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?