Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

watching gymnastics

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Mike is short for Micycle

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*