I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5