I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
are there any atheist mantises?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
found my next D&D character name
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit