I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication