I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.