I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
