I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
shit just got real
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[eats all your cotton candy]
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.