I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.