I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
You have been warned.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.