Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat