Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.