I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.