Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2