Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

No one can handle that

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)