Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

The Birdles

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

What

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.