I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal