Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I need a long hot meteor shower

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.