I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Match dot com, but for socks.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”