I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Voodoo map
what it’s like dating me:
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article