I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff