i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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bat life
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
How to woo a woman
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
How to make infinite energy.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.