i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room