I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*gets down on one knee*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.