Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

mentally somewhere in italy

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!