Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

I needed a laugh this morning.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.