Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

make up your mind

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working