Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

They’re stuck in your pants?

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge