Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

ㅤ

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

That time Alicia messaged me

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi