Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging