I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
🤣🤣🤣
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Note to self: I am a note
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
This January has 47 Mondays
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping