I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
incredible google review i just found
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.