I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
All excellent questions
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers