Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

🙏🏾

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.