I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?