I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Natty or not?
