I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Krampus.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.