Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

I think I’ll stand

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Better luck next time champ

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12