I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.