Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Ugh but profoundly

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

repaired

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….